All I had was service.
In a culture where it is common and considered cute to have a crush or an infatuation with someone of the (so-called) opposite sex ONLY, I felt totally out of place and confused. It’s weird but even if you didn’t have any interest or understanding in almost anything, like in the case of an infant, people would still project desire onto you. You know how we do… a baby giggles, drools and turns away when introduced to a new person even someone of the opposite sex and then later laughs and coos for attention. People might say oh look at them flirting with you. But I digress…
As far back as I can remember (3 years old) I knew whatever that energy of interest and infatuation was, I could not express it for a so-called woman (what we might call a cis-gendered woman today or a female). I could not have told you specifically why but I knew. So, I learned to serve. When I found myself “in love” with someone I tried to be near them, pay attention to them and supply every need I could possibly supply whether I was 3 or 30. This was my practice. Regardless of the age of the woman in question, as a third grader this looked like finding out their favorite gum and having my older friend (I’m sad to say) shoplift it if I didn’t have the money to buy it. I would also find out their favorite songs and memorize the lyrics; read their favorite books (whether I understood them or not); watch their favorite movies; memorize their wardrobe, license plate, phone number, birthday full name, you name it. It was what I had to offer. It was the resource I had to inspire love and that element of love that often goes unnamed, attachment.
Now, there is much I could say about the problematics of this situation and practice. And of course it is inherently out of balance to be in relationship without some form of reciprocity and acknowledgment of the intentions of those involved. But we are who we are doing what we came to do (Audre Lorde) moved by our experiences (so-called “good or bad”) playing out our return to unity, wholeness, oneness.
As a child I would not say that I was always aware of any sort of romantic or physical desire. I was just aware of the limit to my expression of ANY same-sex-desire. Because when you are queer as much as you watch and listen, you may not get the subtleties of how straight women express fraternal (or familial) camaraderie. Do I want to sit next to her because I like her or because I LIKE like her.
I continued this into my teenage years. My high school started at around 7:30am. I had my father drop me off around 5:30am. I wanted to be waiting outside of the door of my favorite teacher when she arrived and then make my rounds to all of my favorite teachers and help them with anything they might need for the day. I would also stay as late as they stayed to continue my service.
So, as not to generate negative energy toward my parents I will simply say that I also learned to be very specific about how I cleaned to protect myself from corporal punishment.
These experiences and early realities shaped my ability as an out queer adult to remove any block to love through service. In my belief, Love is all there is and when we loose sight of that it means a block (usually a fear) has crept up to block the only lasting truths - Love and change.
My ability to serve has removed innumerable blocks and barriers in my life. Still I practice and still I rise (Amen Maya Angelou)
Peace,
Sangodare
